I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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