you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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