My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
