He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
