If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize