my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
