Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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