Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
