my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
