no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
