wrigley field is MILF paradise
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize