i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
