Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
