It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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