shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
