It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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