i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
