Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
