I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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