babies were throwing up all over the place
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
