I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
