I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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