end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
