you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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