I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We talked him into tasing himself.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
