I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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