took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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