My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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