I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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