i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
