my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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