I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
