dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
