I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
