in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
