First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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