I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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