I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
