Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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