Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
