i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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