she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
