oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
