I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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