I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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