Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
