i jhust puked up my retainher.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
