I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We are all done wearing pants today
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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