lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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