I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
we're so committed to being not committed
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize