She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
