You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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