cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
